Weakest/Lowest-Ceiling Bench Award: Ryan
I cracked up when I saw Ryan’s bench. I just hate every guy on there. Not even saying it’s terrible, it’s just the un-sexiest bench I’ve ever seen. Just filled with boring dudes who probably schedule sex with their wives every Friday night….or the fantasy equivalent of that. Jordan Howard, Hines, Sanu, Barber. I would bet every penny I have that none of these guys break out. They are startable, predictable even; just super super boring.
Team: CBDGaveMeMagicPowers
Strength: QB, RB – Ryan has the best QB in the league by a wide margin. Mahomes was literally 5 points per game better than the #2 QB last year. I am honestly surprised at the league-wide discipline on QBs. DEF patience is another story. I don’t personally like Ryan’s RBs but by ADP they are good on paper. Conner will flirt with RB1 numbers every week. Damien Williams’ hold on the job just got a lot shakier (McCoy) but I would think he has at least some role in the league’s best offense.
Weakness: WR – Cooks is solid but he is a WR2 almost by definition. Behind that we have a lot of questions. Mike Williams should take the next step but his situation isn’t all that different from last year’s to make an enormous jump. Corey Davis is a good player stuck on a terrible offense with one of the league’s worst QBs. Sanu is last roster spot material. You pray you get stuck playing him maybe 1 week.
Values: Patrick Mahomes (3.07), Peyton Barber (13.07) – Mahomes will literally be the only QB I have in the values column. As I mentioned above, Mahomes was 5 points better than the number 2 QB which would actually justify him being taken in the third round. Peyton Barber is currently listed as the starter. Any “starting” RB, no matter how terrible is a great value in the 13th round.
Reaches: Damien Williams (2.06), Vance McDonald (7.07) – It is much easier to say that Damien Williams is a reach now that they have signed McCoy, but he probably would’ve been on here even if they didn’t. He is old and has never been good or even remotely relevant at any point in his career outside of the final 5 games last season. Just way too sketchy for me in the 2nd round. Vance McDonald is another speculative ‘well this guy should theoretically be good…someone has to take AB’s targets!’ He has been around for like 6-7 years and has never shown any signs of being anything outside of a TE streamer. Not buying it, especially in the 7th round.
Most Likely To Try To Catch Lightning in a Bottle Again: Brian
Juju – check. Bobby Woods – check. James White – check. Change is bad, change is scary. My team was good last year, surely the exact same strategy will work this year? Nothing changes in the NFL year to year, right? Jim, what do you think? Maybe I should rename this award to SECOND most likely.
Team: Illegal use of hands
Strength: WR – Juju has #1 overall upside, Bobby Woods is on the WR1/2 borderline, Josh Gordon is ready to rock for Week 1, and Mike Gallup has the potential to take a big step forward as well. Manny Sanders is coming off a brutal injury but passed the eye test in the preseason. Brian is all set at wide receiver.
Weakness: RB – Sketchy in a word. Le’Veon hasn’t played a snap in around a year and a half. He may return to being elite but that is a long time and he hasn’t gotten any younger. James White was very good last year. It is rumored (please) that Sony will be catching more balls this year which could lead to a diminished role for White. Jaylen Samuels is Brian’s 3rd and is a backup….and that’s it. This could be disastrous. Tune in to the waiver wire.
Values: Emmanuel Sanders (9.08), Eric Ebron (14.05) – Sanders was a borderline WR1 last year. He did tear his achilles but if he can come anywhere near what he did last year, 9th is an enormous value. Yes, Eric Ebron lost Andrew Luck. However, weak QBs are known to rely on their tight ends. Eric Ebron was the 3rd best TE last year and was the 16th TE off the board: value
Reaches: Lamar Jackson (5.08), LA Rams D (8.05) – 5th is too early for a non-Mahomes QB, especially one that can’t throw. 8th is way way way too early for a defense.
Most Likely To Be in Denial About His First-Rounder: George
George got hilariously defensive of Dags picking Darrell Henderson (a fine pick by Dags) to the point of altogether denying that Darrell Henderson is the backup and declaring that in fact, Malcolm Brown is actually Gurley’s backup. This is the classic situation where because George picked Gurley, he MUST believe that Darrell Henderson sucks. This is taking it to a hilarious extreme where George thinks that the 3rd round rookie (who the Rams traded up to go get) will not only NOT have a role, but isn’t even the backup. You can’t will Darrell Henderson out of existence no matter how many Malcolm Browns you draft, Georgie boy.
Team: Just Doulis.
Strength: RB, QB – Gurley was the #1 RB last year and Mixon is a solid RB1. Carson was already good last year and is hyped to get more catches this year. RAJAHS! Aaron Rodgers at the end of the 7th is a steal.
Weakness: TE…RB? – Weakness at tight end is meh. Hooper stinks but who cares, George is gonna probably stream here. Weakness and strength at RB? Huh? If Gurley sucks or gets hurt this team collapses in on itself like a fallen star. Mixon is behind one of the league worst O-lines and Cincinatti is a strong candidate for #1 pick next year. Both guys are talented and high upside but I can easily see a scenario where both suck this year and take George’s team down with them.
Values: Aaron Rodgers (7.09), John Brown (13.09) – Aaron Rodgers in previous years has gone in about the third round. I would reasonably expect him to be healthy this year so to get him in the 7th is an absolute steal. I really like the John Brown pick as well. JB and Josh Allen seem to be a match made in heaven. John Brown is super fast and Josh Allen can chuck it a quarter mile. We’ll see if the chemistry is there but 13th for a potential solid WR2/3 is very good value.
Reaches: Todd Gurley (1.09), Malcolm Brown (14.04) – Again, I’m a fan of the get-your-guy approach. However, I am not a fan of the ‘take a super risky guy in the first’ approach. Give me the boring 16-20 point per game WR (Nuk, Davante, MT13, Julio, Odell) instead. Malcolm Brown isn’t so much a reach as it is a complete waste of a pick.
Most Jim Team Award: Jim
Wow. Where do I even begin? Let’s start with the fact that Jim very clearly auto-drafted and the list that he fed the auto-drafter was just his exact team from last year. It started out the same as last year and then from there each pick was more shocking than the last. Jim has (by design?) largely the same team as last year, he just took all of the guys on it several rounds too early. I’m betting on his record come the playoffs being 2-11.
Team: 2ndPlaceTechnicality
Strength: TE – Jim again went with the TE premium strategy of TE->TE. Needless to say Jim has the 2 best tight ends in the league. That’s something I guess.
Weakness: Everything Else – Jim was somehow last to draft both a RB and a WR. His first WR was drafted in the NINTH round. Literally a jaw-dropping stat. Without being too harsh, Jim’s team is super weak at WR and RB. Fournette and Lindsay are a shaky duo at best with a ton of question marks. Jim found his WRs in a pile of trash behind a bakery…like astonishingly bad. Defense in the 5th, kicker in the 6th – my eye is twitching. Just…why? Can Jim make the playoffs with this hot pile of garbage? There is no justice in the world, so probably.
Values: LeSean McCoy (7.10) – Humorously enough, the reason he ends up being a value here is because he is on the Chiefs. Jim drafted him when he was on the Bills.
Reaches: Don’t make me list out the entire team. Just look for yourself.
Most Likely To Make Their Team Name a Dick Joke : Dave
-Flappin in the Brees
-Butt Stuff (my favorite)
-HotChubbTimeMachine
Dave has no shortage of dick jokes at the ready. I guess Nick Chubb is really just his actual name and Butt Stuff technically isn’t a dick joke…whatever. I’m just about out of material here…
Team: HotChubbTimeMachine
Strength: RB, WR – Dave has arguably the most solid RB core in the league: Chubb – a proven stud who will probably only get better this year, Freeman – due for a bounce-back year in a Tevin-less backfield, and Derrick Henry who scored 5 points per game the first 10 games and 500 points per game in the last 6. Davante Adams finished as the #1 WR last year and a combo of Ridley/Landry/Marvin/Golden Tate can easily fill the #2 role. This team is good.
Weakness: TE – Kyle Rudolph sucks. Who cares, small price to pay when the rest of your team is good.
Values: Nick Chubb (2.02), Devonta Freeman (3.11) – Chubb is the (for the most part ~ see Kareem Hunt) unquestioned workhorse in what should be one of the league’s top offenses. He could return early 1st value. Freeman is speculative but could easily perform a round (maybe more) better than where he was drafted.
Reaches: Deshaun Watson (5.11) – He is good but I don’t like QBs this early. I don’t think he will be enough better than the rest of the pack to warrant going this much earlier.
Most Likely to Mail It In At the End of This Thing: Eric
This thing took like 5 fucking hours to write, I’m done.
Team: Dalvin & the Chipmunks
Strength: RB – Dalvin, Sony (and hopefully Melvin eventually) form a solid RB core.
Weakness: Lack of star power – I think my team is solid but without Melvin it doesn’t really have a wow factor. I will probably need to rely on waiver wire prowess to take this team to the next level.
Values: How do I answer this one for myself? Guys I think I got good value on: MT13, Dalvin, Sterling Shep, Goff, Jameis, RoJo (in the 14th). It’s my draft, of course I think I got values.
Reaches: Melvin and Tevin considering the past week’s news.
***************BONUS SECTION****************************
I asked everyone for their votes for best and worst team without being able to vote for yourself. Everyone got back to me except Dags. He had a week to give me two team names and I need to get this thing out before football season starts. So you’re not crazy if you are counting only 11. Also, my Dad voted for 2 people for the best and 0 people for the worst since he flat out refused.
BEST:
-Dave (4)
-Eric (2.5)
-Jeff (2.5)
-Dad (1)
-Dags (1)
WORST:
-Jim (7)
-Tim (1)
-George (1)
-Dags (1)
Dave got 36.3% of the vote for best, Jim got 70% of the vote for the worst. Make of that what you will. Football is finally BACK! Good luck everyone, hope you enjoyed this.
-Eric
MAKE IT RAIN 