WEEK 1 RECAP

Dalvin & the Chipmunks (0-1) – 83.06
Da Bad News Bears (1-0) – 147.06

Why Tim won: DJ (22.70), KhaMarlon Mack (25.40), Fitz Greybeard (21.30)
Why Eric lost: Jameis (10.06), Sony (1.40), O.J. Howard (3.20)

Tim was helped by 5 full quarters of play by 2 of his 3 top performers in the DET/ARZ tie but he really didn’t need it to beat me. With the exception of a sick Mike Evans, Tim’s whole team delivered and pummeled me into dust. I somehow find myself in the same place every year. I draft players on bad teams and I draft Patriots RBs. I must be a masochist. Sony will probably have his 20-30 point games this season as well but the fact I need to run him out there every week knowing that he has a 1 point floor is miserable. Fuck you Jameis, you suck at football. I thought Arians might be able to fix your bozo decision making but it is remarkably as bad as ever.

HotChubbTimeMachine (1-0) – 127.92
The Champ (0-1) – 115.80

Why Dave won: Deshaun Watson (31.72), Derrick Henry (28.40), Minnesota (16.00)
Why Dags lost: Goose Miller (0.00), Poop Mayfield (12.40), Guice (5.30)

Dave cruised to a win to put Champ Dags in a 0-1 hole to start the year. Derrick Henry seems to have a 50+yd TD every week. BEAST. Interestingly enough, Dave’s win had little to nothing to do with his top 3 picks. Worrisome for Dave or for the rest of the league? We shall see. What a week for Dags! He went on a wild human roller coaster ride named Mr. Big Chest. He somehow ended up in a dream spot on the Pats. Will he stay there and produce? Time will tell. Certainly exciting for us Pats fans at the very least. Dags lost because Anthony Miller was literally invisible, Baker looked fucking awful and Guice got hurt for the 9th time in the 1 year he’s been in the league. Sounds like Dags might need some waiver wire help? Hmm, this guy looks pretty good: 7/13, 104 yd, 1 TD. He’s available?? Who is this guy?

UPDATE: ..after writing this Antonio Brown has been accused of sexual assault. So I guess we are on the down part of the roller coaster again.

Football Sage! (1-0) – 86.72
CBDGaveMeMagicPowers (0-1) – 81.02

Why Dad won: Uhh..Wentz? (25.02), umm…I’m out
Why Ryan lost: Brandin Cooks (4.90), Mike Williams (3.90), Browns (0.00)

This was easily the ugliest win of the week. Dad probably just shrugged and was happy to take the win. Tyreek is out for a few weeks but the rest of his team’s poor performance is really nothing to be too concerned about. Diggs, who is notoriously bad playing when hurt, ACTUALLY played pretty well considering Kirk Cousins threw the ball TEN TOTAL TIMES. Super strange. If this is the Vikings strategy going forward I’d be worried but really, how can it be? It’s hard not to overreact week 1. Ryan’s team under-performed almost across the board but it can’t be that way all year. The only guys I would be mildly worried about are Mike Williams and Vance McDonald. Mike Williams just didn’t look involved in the game plan all that much. The Steelers offense was putrid and Vance doesn’t seem to be the #2 target (so far) that everyone thought he would be. He was a ghost and a goose egg candidate right up until the end of the game. Both of these teams will look to rebound next week.

Illegal use of hands (1-0) – 141.46
tbd (0-1) – 125.04

Why Brian won: Lamar Jax (33.56), Le’Veon Bell (20.20), Josh Gordon (14.80)
Why Justin lost: Russell Wilson (16.64), Aaron Jones (4.40)

Brian must be feeling good after week 1. Not only did Lamar Jackson dominate but he did it almost completely without his legs. 324 Pass Yds and 5 TDs is pretty damn good. To be fair, it was the Dolphins, so let’s not anoint him just yet. Le’Veon looks like 1st round fantasy pick material as well. Where were you on that last year asshole? It’s almost too perfect that Justin would’ve won if he had played Dak. How many QB predictions can I choke on in one paragraph?

P.S. Hey Justin, the season started buddy, might be time to pick a team name.

Just Doulis (0-1) – 95.52
I Hardly Hit Her (1-0) – 139.02

Why Rambo won: CMC (37.90), Keenan Allen (22.30), Delanie (20.00)
Why George lost: RAJAHS! (12.92), Mixon (hurt, 2.70), Philly D(?) (1.00)

Who needs a team when you have Christian McCaffrey? CMC is very good at football and his coach isn’t afraid to give it to him literally every play. Good to see Delanie back and droppin’ hammers too. Super hilarious that Malcolm Brown immediately came in and stole 2 TDs from Gurley. Did George drop him because I mocked him for what ended up being the correct choice? Philly defense got caught with their pants down and got wrecked by Case Keenum and no one (besides Scary Terry (who?)). Hard to fault George for picking Philly D at home in this one. Assuming Mixon isn’t out for any great period of time I expect George’s team to see much better days than this one.

2ndPlaceTechnicality (0-1) – 138.20
141 2/3% ChanceToWin (1-0) – 159.36

Why Jeff won: Ekeler (36.40), Nuk (27.10), E/Ingram (23.10, 22.70)
Why Jim lost: Fournette (9.40), Ertz (7.90)

Jeff’s team scored a million points. Ekeler had 6 catches, 154 yards and 3 TDs. Nuk dropped a few balls and still threw up 27. Ingram played a peewee football team and Engram is the only non-Saquon target on the Giants. Jim put up 138? I know he lost, but really? Are you fucking serious? Am I being punked? I (rightly) mocked his JOKE of a WR squad and DeSean puts up 31 and Tyrell puts up 20? I mean you can’t make it up. If Jim does better than me this year, I’m drafting Darren Waller in the first, Vernon Davis in the 2nd and Stephen Gostkowski in the 3rd next year – Bizarro world stuff.

Good luck next week everyone!
-Eric